People: “So, you’re pushing forties already?”
Me (:s): “Couple of years now and I’m there, yes.”
People: “Still single?!?”
Me (blinking, uneasy): “Well, still. Lost the battle with time, apparently.”
People (oversympathetically): “C’mon!!!”
A) Me (swallowing hard, looking around and radioing May Day! May Day!): “What can I say?”
People (wisely clearing throat): “Lose the airs, quick, I’m tellin’you!”
Me (brain dead already): “Yes.”
B) Me (mindfully weighing things as to the best appropriate answer): “Better to wait than regret!?”
People (looking offended): “What do you mean??”
C) Me (blushing, ready to start crying, nibbling at a pink fingernail): “Don’t you know anybody who would…, I mean… oh, am I going to find anybody anymore?”
People (triumphant, overprotective): “The thing is… bla…, it is actually quite late…, there is this guy…, bla…, you are so picky, tst-tst…, well, let’s see what we can do. Tst.”
Me (looking ashamed): “Thank you so much for thinking about me…”
Except for C), the above have been a recurrent theme in my life. And, as you already know, it’s complicated.
I often think of the way my life is unfolding and today I am also writing about it. It’s not totally comfortable to be that open on such a topic, but I have plucked my courage because I am curious to look at my independent existence from this new angle.
To begin with, in my deepest layer I am content and even happy. Yes, happy, so many times that I may well get to be 40, 50, 60 and still not get married (if marriage be the ultimate attainment of happiness.. :p). However, I don’t think I must be single for this deep layer to be content and happy. Single or married, it doesn’t really matter because this deep happy contentment of mine nurtures solely on God’s love for me. I am not saying this area is non-reachable: it would take a broken heart to make the contentment stop for a while or the happiness be covered by sadness and grief.
So,do I fear heart breaking? Yes, a big yes, I guess. I am not strong enough to ever feel that his love for me is gone (or worse, that it has never really been there) and go on with it. I need my future husband to really love and like me. Is it vanity or self-pride? Perhaps, but not so much. I know it would emotionally kill me to feel/realize I am not exactly loved and liked by the man who wants to marry me. Had my emotional filter been more “blurred”, had I been more “opaque” as to how my dear ones actually feel about or think of me, things would work out for me in a “normal” marriage of the kind I sometimes see around. :”/
Me: Stop and wait. It sounds very “out of this world”, right?
People (rolling eyes, puffing): !!
Me: “Highly idealistic? Totally unrealistic? Showing immaturity, to say the least?”
People: nodding and staring.
Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t help it.”
I have always wanted more than these “normal” marriages offer. I need more. Yes, I am picky in the sense that I have always looked for something in particular in a man. And, weird enough for my generation, I don’t see no men like that… Men have switched roles with women, making me realize I am out of place. Left behind. I don’t envy “locomotive”-women, I cannot, not in the least. Well, I did think of envying them for having a ring, a husband, kids, but it was their ring, their husband and their kids, acquired most of the time at a price which I am not willing to pay. Actually, it is a price I am not geared to pay. I feel sorry for man-like women who do everything men used to do: the first step, the first kiss, the paying, the whole action. It must be so tiring to settle for less than they wanted/needed and go on with it all their life. I sense them as basically selfish and lacking courage to face life on their own. Besides, man-like women can only get woman-like men who must be a real “treat”. 😀 Only useful to be flashed on Fakebook. OK, sorry for the last sentence, it’s just that so many people on FB are “kidding” too much. 😉
Honestly now, this is really a serious issue: people are alienating and getting crazier and freakier over the possibility of presenting their life as they would have liked it to be. Such a life is only PR, a carefully arranged façade. Feeding on lies must be brain killing. Don’t go there. Don’t hate the ones who have not gone there, learn from them and fix what is left. (I would think this is a good piece of advice for the happily married happy wives who should have no heart to banter singles whenever possible. I feel like asking them: “if you were not brave/crazy/picky etc enough to wait till you were found by the man you would have really-really wanted, why take it out on the poor me 🙂 just for still hanging in there, no happy family prospect in sight? I don’t think this is fair.)
I have come to think marriage is really difficult to work out. And it’s obviously becoming more and more of a struggle these days. I am ready for this struggle only if I team up with the man I need (garlic-eater, older&smarter, SDA). 🙂 I respect people who were responsible, courageous, dependable enough to start this matrimonial journey. My heart goes out to them when I see them fighting to keep the marriage going. I despise people who give up on their marriages, I think they are among the above mentioned, having hurried to just get themselves the marital status and comfort and now, after several years, they discover it’s not actually enough. Sorry for the exceptional cases.
So, I wish everybody reading this to: 1. fight for their marriage and never give it up, to fix it with God‘s help who can make the stale water of their marriage into savory wine
2. well, I cannot make up my mind on the most appropriate piece of sound advice for singles like me… I would encourage them to be content and happy in that deep layer in their soul by loving God, and the spouse to love and be loved by will probably be easier to recognize. At first sight or not. 🙂